LIFE EXPERIENCES OR CHOICES?

LIFE EXPERIENCES OR CHOICES?

Life does throws us some curve balls; some straighter than others. What is the whole point of putting us through these trying times, Times that define the rest of our lives? Is it to alleviate the otherwise burden that may befall us if everything was rosy?

A friend told me of an interview of this very popular guy and he was crying when asked about marriage; having gone through sexual abuse at the hands of his relatives, it scarred him so much that in his mid-40’s he is yet to get married (not that age has anything to do with it) but for a guy who says he wants it so much I began to ask myself certain questions.

 I have never heard of him ‘seeing’ any lady or ‘courting’ any one talk more of getting hitched. The same excuse seems to come up every time he is asked ‘Why?’ ,’The abuse’. I thought to myself, ‘He is not the only one who has been abused in their childhood, and in as much I know that it seriously screws most of them, most do try not to let that moment split their entire existence; BEFORE and AFTER.

I also remember one of the most courageous ladies I have ever met in my entire life; was raped by her dad’s brother from ages 8-13. It did render her emotionally crippled and for a long time all that gave her the will to live was exacting vengeance on the men-folk. She is however, engaged and happy. Now, you may say she found someone that changed her but I beg to differ. I do not think even cupid with all his bows and arrows could make her love someone if she did not work on herself.  No matter how much this guy loves her, if she did not start working on herself, walking through the anger, finding another life-worthy reason to live, this guy would not stand a chance. We all know how it feels when the one we love calls us a ‘thousand times’ a day: like a ray of sunshine, and what it feels like when someone we do not love does same: you will wish him to sink in the lagoon!

This now brings me to my question. Do the events in our life have the power to shape us or do we as human beings hold that sole power within us (in our decisions and choices)…

UNBRIDLED II

A man of seemingly simple features

Yet aura surrounded him like a living tangible cloud

His words flowed over me

Soft and melodious yet resounding in my heart like the life-giver of my beating heart

I reached his feet,

With his face turned away from mine,

I knelt at his feet

My head bent in fear of seeing the rejection in his eyes

I unstopped my jar

And turned out the contents on him

His feet were all I could see with my head bent

It dribbled and poured and the scent wafted up and filled my senses

With the same care and more than I had used on my skin

I used on him,

I had just spilled the best and most expensive oil

Such was the life I had that I could afford this

At the recesses of my mind, I felt outrage spill out from the public

I pulled my hair closer to his feet and used my hair to wipe the excesses.

His hand touched my shoulder

And oh! Ohhhhh! What peace!

My shame fell away like a bunch of dirt rags flung afar

The hole of despair got swallowed up by a wave of pure light

I raised up my head and his eyes looked into mine.

I saw his lips move and realized he was responding to the crowd’s outrage

I could not care less

Nothing could take away the joy and the peace and the love all –consuming I felt at that moment

I made a shocking discovery in that second:

I love this man, wholeheartedly, unreservedly, irrevocably

I would die for this man

I would give my earthly possessions for the sake of this one man

This man that had not only restored my dignity but given me a new measure of hope

A smile broke through my face and he smiled back

And he gave me the tiniest nod

I stood up straight and looked back at the crowds

I, Mary Magdalene, a former prostitute, felt like a new born baby

I, Mary Magdalene, have just been given a brand new slate to start life afresh

I, Mary Magdalene, was totally FREE.

UNBRIDLED I

Footsteps dragging

Back aching,

Heels peeling

Sweat mingled with my tears dripping into my eyes

I walked.

Children mocking

Encouraged by parents

Clawing at my skin

Skin soft and smooth from the faithful treatment of oils

I held my package close and tight to my body.

Elders sneering, jeering

All waiting to witness my shame

Anticipating my public disgrace

I raised my head and looked straight at the faces I had been intimate with

They all refused to return my gaze

Each one praying I do not rest my gaze on them

I walked ahead.

I had come to the end of my soul struggles

I had survived in the only way I knew how

But the inner shame and despair crushing my ribs

At d fear of such a bleak existence for the rest of my lives,

was the cost of living a life like mine.

I had gotten to the stage were hope was a treasured commodity

It was the only thing that kept me alive and it was the only thing that kept me walking

The crowds parted until I saw him,

My eyes rested on him and

Thrills raced up my spine

The hairs on my neck stood still as electricity rocketed my body

Nothing at that point would have kept me from reaching him.

My Friend

Switlexy this is for you:

Whispers everywhere she goes,
Words flowing out of their mouths like the bar beah waves rushing to meet the shore,
Eyes that follow her wherever she walks,
Watching, hoping and praying she missteps just one time
She is dressed yet her hands are wrapped around her body like a woman covering her nakedness from the piercing eyes of a stranger.

She walks with shaky steps, hurt in her soul,
Eyes she is familiar with stare at her with deceit.
What makes them do these?
Whisper these hurtful words about her?
Praying that she falls?

But she is strong
She is bold
She is loving
She is courageous and through the blurred egdes of hurt she says to herself,

'Do i live my life bound by the hurt in my soul?'
'Do i live my life ordered by the whispers of others who have nothing better to do?'
'Do i walk on shaky legs afraid to fall for the rest of my days?'
'Fall I will in this long life of mine,
And rise i shall each time'

People will always talk, watching and waiting that I may be ashamed
But my life is just mine
The mistakes to make and the experiences to learn from
I decide to live like it's my last
Love like i have never been hurt
Smile like i know no sorry
And walk surefooted like the amazon princess
It's my life and I have just one
And i owe no apologies to anyone.
hmmm, I say to myself "My friend is a wise woman"

Tomorrow's tide

"Can we meet after work?" He asked.
"Yeah sure" I replied.
I had reduced my life to Work and Home ever since Brian called it quits. In as much as i did not build my life around his, I had placed a significant amount of importance and attention on him. Brian was not rich, in fact he was just trying to relocate to Lagos and his contract with his former employer was over. His financials did not matter to me. He was bright and smart and that was the main attraction. I had always been in love with 'brains'. Ultimately, that would be my downfall. That will be a story for another day.

After promising to go out and entertain myself, I agreed to hang out with Dave after work. I had met Dave through a mutual friend a couple of years back. Dave picked me up after work and we had drinks, caught up on old times till it was quite late. It felt strange and yes, liberating, to have been able to stay out this late. It had been a long time. He dropped me off at home and waited for me to get into the house before driving off(hmm, a gentleman, i see). That will set the pace for a couple of nights to come; have drinks and dinner after work till late and then home.

Few nights after that, Dave invited me to his place. I accepted and after our usual drinks, he took me to his place. He started kissing and touching and the rest is history....He dropped me off and waited to make sure i got into the house before driving off. Twice, we had that routine. Dave and I went out to a couple of other places with his friends but no more intimacy.

On this last night, we had met again and went over to his place. After our usual drinks, the touching and kissing started again....I did not have a problem kissing Dave but for a couple of weeks now, I did not want to be intimate(that's like closing the barn after the horses have all run off)...Persuasion by action had never been a stronger force than it was today. I was forced to remember that trying to stop a guy from doing a 'home run" was like holding up an umbrella on a top-speed bike while it's raining in Lagos(the wind will 'mess' up that umbrella and probably snatch it away from your hands or disfigure it)...but i insisted and refused.

We got into the car and i started thinking to myself all through the drive home..."was sex going to be my payment "currency" for the drinks and movie and dinners we've been having?" "Did i not have the right to decline his advances?" "Could i not just have an evening with a friend without the pressures of wanting to have sex?" "We are not dating so does that make us sex partners and me no better than the mistresses of the noble peerage of Britain who had to pander sex for being 'protected'?" ...Alas we are home and no, i had not yet found the answers i seek...Dave does not kiss me goodnight nor does he say much. I step down and walked to the gate and when i turned, Dave was driving off....He had not waited to see if i had gotten into the house. I stood at the gate and watched the car's headlights till  it disappeared from view...

I wonder if there will be a "Can we meet after work?" tomorrow.

The Beginning of the End

"Oge! Brian! stop running around."
"Brian, stop pulling your sister's hair"
"Darling, hurry up. We boarding already."
I think to myself, "gosh! cant wait to get home..these kids will be the death of me..."
I look over to where he stands and i start getting pissed.."I wish i could just go and snatch that newspaper out o his hands. Cant he see i need help with these kids?"
I walk over to him, "Why would i have to come and beg you to help me keep these kids in line? All you've been doing since we got here is to read that dang newspaper"
He looks at me like iv got PMS and says nothing, looks at Brian and says "I see you pulling your sister's hair again and i'm taking away your football. Make sure Junior doesn't stroll away" and turns back to his paper.
I sigh in frustration and allow the lady to search my bag.

I sit down to close my eyes and that's when it starts
The violent shaking,
The raised voices
The oxygen masks dropping overheard
Junior starts wailing,
Oge starts whimpering
Brian looks at him with eyes wide

It's getting worst
The pilot's voice echoes in my ears
I look outside my window
We seem to be close to the ground
I stretch out my hand and hold his

I look over at my kids
Their eyes mirror mine
I look over at him; my husband
Words, Thoughts, Apologies all scramble for a place on my tongue
I see my thoughts in his eyes

In that time of realization,
Words are not needed
We become I
I become Him
One mind, One thought

I look into my kids eyes, one after the other
Memorizing their faces and features,
I look into my husband's eyes
And I mirror his thoughts for my kids to see
'I love you, in this world and in the world beyond'
And I live to see the terror fade away in their eyes

Nothing else matters

Indelible print

He leaves imprints on my skin
His lips are familiar with every crevice on my  body
His eyes are intimate with every strand of hair on my skin
His fingers map out every curve of mine

The river rushes to meet the sea,
Compelled by its own moving force
Betrayed by its very nature, it cannot stand still
A force beyond its knowledge

His hands, as faint as the gentle breeze
firm like the grip of a warrior,
His palms...oh his palms, not soft but edged with calluses
His voice, resonating like sparks deep within my core

His skin, as sinful as the bronzed-tinged skin of the Egyptian princess,
His chest, rippling with unleashed strength of a tiger on a hunt
His legs, molded, sculpted like the works of the great craftsmen
His feet, perfection in itself like a painting of Micheal Angelo

He cries, makes me cry
He strides away in anger, leaving me bereft
He hurts, hurts me too
He closes up in pain, leaving me all alone in the cold

He wipes the tears off my face and makes me laugh
He wraps himself around me, vowing never to let go again
He cannot undo the hurt but he stays to share the residue of the hurt
He opens himself to me, scared that i may inflict damage yet deciding to stand in all his naked glory

My man
He is not perfect but he is mine and i am his.

Dreams on the run

I want to do this,
I want to do that,
I wish i could do this,
I wish i could learn this,
So many dreams,
So many hopes,
Seconds turn into minutes,
Minutes turn into hours,
Hours turn into days,
Days turn into weeks and months
And before I know it, Years have come and gone.

Reasons turn into excuses
Procrastination becomes a way of life,
"I do not have money",
"It's too expensive",
And the dreams start dying,
And I start to drift from my goals and the things that makes me happy
To the things that others and society expects me to do,
I get sucked into the cycle of doing-any-job-that-pays-well-with-no-satisfaction,

I am not a millionaire......YET
But i do not want to wait till then to start fulfilling my dreams,
So today, i make a promise to myself,
Be it a thousand naira or a hundred naira Iv got left on me,
Id start living all the dreams i can with what i can afford
And not wait anymore, for fear of never getting to achieve any and i run out of time.

So today, I begin to do the things i love,
The things that brings laughter and joy to my days and nights
For only in being happy can i make others happy.

Strength of Love

Amidst the crowd i saw you,
we walked towards each other, pulled by fate,
you smiled and the world receeded to just a space in time,
i was caught up in you,
we laughed, we talked,
kept late nights, nobody wanted to sleep,
we could not get enough of each other's voices.
oh! it was bliss!

Distance came and we found ourselves back in reality,
i tried to let go but i had tasted bliss and could not let go,
time came and went, we reconnected,
i still found solace in you,
you still had the power to make me invincible even across distance,
we were in love.

we struggled to keep afloat,
against all the ravages of loneliness,
the same mouth that could bring me joy,
i discovered could bring tears too,
i cried into my pillow every night,
a calm and serene girl, turned into a complaning and nerve-wrecked lady,
i could not recognise myself anymore yet i held on.

my words stopped making sense to you,
and you lost the novelty of falling in love wit me,
and became as comfortable as old shoes,
and i wondered where it all went wrong,
i have nothing left to give,
i have nothing left to offer,
i can no longer hold on.

defeat is not wat im admitting to,
rather, victory that that i could love so wholeheartedly,
and courage is wat tells me to let you go,
for i am no longer able to withstand,
and neither do i want to give in to the pain,
so farewell, my love,
be happy and may another stronger than i,
give you the love you need.

Ifunanya

Here's to one of my cryptic friends....

He said ‘If there is ever anything called love,  don’t  tell me you feel it, perceive it, sense it or see it….DO IT”
He was not alone in his thinking
And I thought to myself
Doesn’t he SEE it?
Doesn’t he FEEL it?
A mother’s love for her child
Her need to see to see her child fed and comforted supercedes hers
Her desire to see him prosper
And her unwavering decision to trade her life for his if need be
Doesn’t he hear it?
In the voice of a woman mourning her husband,
Her anchor in the past years
Her shield in the hardships of daily events
Doesn’t he DO it?
In the prayers offered for the survival of a friend?
To see the pain leave his weary body
Everywhere we turn to, we see love
It can be seen, it can be felt, it can be touched
But most importantly, it can be DONE.
If still not convinced,
Look to the skies and ponder on God’s infinite Love for man
For indeed that is the Totality of Love.

Run, Run, Run
Were the sounds echoing in his ears
Faster, Faster, Faster
His legs flew over the asphalt like a gazelle on the mountaintops
His heart beat an unnatural rhythm
Not able to keep up with the adrenaline
But refusing to give out either
Hide, Hide, Hide
All before him were open fields,
With no shelter insight
This may be his last
But he is determined not to go down without fighting
He kept pace as fast as he could
‘WHAM’
The ground rose up to meet him
A hand clamped on his neck
Wrestled him to the ground
He reared his head and heard the sound of ripping flesh
‘yayyy, score 1 for me’
It has become survival of the fittest
An air piercing scream rent the air
He raised his eyes and looked into the eyes of his captor
He was defeated
But he sure will fight until up last breath
He thought to himself ‘it is the 24th Dec and this freaking human have gone on a killing spree again’

Memoirs of a GOAT

Smashed

It started like every normal day
but ended with anger, tears and dissappointment
my heart shattered
and i slowly picked up the pieces
it was our first quarrel

i needed you
i wanted to hear your voice
i felt so lonely and needed your arms around me
but you were busy and couldn't hear my cry
my heart shattered and the broken pieces of the 1st tym had splintered again
i slowly gathered them together again and tried holding tight
it was our 2nd quarrel

i spoke and you turned deaf
i cried and you turned blind
i asked why and you turned dumb
my double splintered heart shattered again
and this time there were tiny little pieces of my heart everywhere
it was our 3rd quarrel

i confronted you and you shunned me
i pleaded and you gave me ultimatums
i begged and you turned away
my triple splintered heart shattered again
i went to pick up the pieces but
there was nothing left, it had turned to fine powder
i sat and wept beside my heart
Now i have no heart to give u
Alas, the story of a love gone sour

Tender Love

Oh yes...We've all felt this feeling that left us trembling, butterflies in our bellies....well here is one of mine.

It was a night to remember,

Holding hands, whispering under the moonlight,

Voices so low that we didn’t need to hear the words out of our mouth,

Because we could hear it in our hearts.

 

The night breeze enveloped us, shading us from the unpleasantness of the evening,

The night animals left us in our own world as we became oblivious to the rest of humanity,

And as we gazed into each other’s eyes,

Words weren’t needed.

Our souls spoke for us,

It was d night we fell in love

It is not just the words you say

It is not just the way you look at me

It is in the way I can see your heart in the words you whisper

It is in the way I can feel your heartbeat when you talk to me

It is in the way your eyes darken to pools of desire

The way your smile lights up your face and my world wen our eyes meet

I take in a breath and the essence of you goes to my head and to my very being

And whispers “ I love You”.

N.B abeg o make una no ask me wetin do the love after o....

This is one of those pieces closest to my heart.


Colors of the rainbow slither through life,
A kaleidoscope is all I see,
Your smiles I treasured,
And I thought we had all the time in the world ,
To enjoy and treasure each other.
Then suddenly, the rainbow begins to fade
The light begins to flicker like a dying candle
One minute u are here, next minute, poof! You are gone
I will give the world just to have one more day with you
And i have never needed u before like I do now
But even in my darkest moment,
The gentle breeze carries your scent
And I feel a caress on my cheek and then I know
Out of sight, yes, but Out of mind, never.
Your love ever present especially in your absence keeps me sane.
I love you Dad.

Hurt Love

Like china plates breaking,

Like glass figurines splintering to pieces,

Like tumblers smashed against the wall,

So is my heart in pieces when you left me, 

With no hope of being restored.

Tough yet fragile,

Outspoken yet shy,

I gave all and more

Yet it was less than enough

And you left and took my joy away.

Time they say, heals all wounds

But eternity would only serve to remind me,

How much I loved and lost.